Dear Human Resources,

 Our company stresses the importance a work/life balance.  My kids are an important part of my life, and sometimes when I am at the office, I do miss them.  With this in mind, I have some suggestions.

• When in meetings, let's usually sit in the same seats.  If an employee happens to sit in a seat that is usually not their seat, assign one employee to scream at them (for example "JIM'S CHAIR, JIM'S CHAIR, JIM'S CHAIR") until they move to their appropriate spot.
• When employees notice that an employee will be using the restroom, I think it would be best if they followed that employee into their stall.  If they are bored while waiting for the employee to finish going to the bathroom, they may offer to pull of a piece of toilet paper.  When they pull out too much toilet paper, they may try to wrap the excess back onto the roll.  They must also insist on flushing.
• When 2 employees arrive at the copy machine at the same time, they could both yell "MINE" until a 3rd employee comes and determines who should get to use the copy machine first.
• One employee should be chosen to randomly move office supplies to locations where they do not belong.
• Instead of walking to meetings, employees should run or skip.  They could also race each other with the last person to arrive being a rotten egg. 
• Place important information regarding meetings that I need to attend into the purses and laptop bags of other employees; consider it my responsibility to find the papers prior to the meetings.
• When an employee has a cold, have them sneeze directly into the face of fellow employees.  Also, it may be interesting to have the sick employee wipe their nose on their sleeve despite having a kleenex box readily available.
• If two employees are having a conversation, assign a third employee to stand nearby and make loud noises. 

Thank you for your time and consideration, but on second thought, we may want to keep things as they are.